Hi.. there.. again.. :)

Hmm..
yeh.. I love... ..her..
Damn...
You know..a while back... maybe a few months ago too, before I met her...I asked God one small tiny favour..
I wanted to feel love.. Real love.

I wanted to be in REAL love with someone..
I even said it... better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all..
I said that.. to God.. I told him..
That.. how.. how is it, through all these years... the friends, the girls... Not once have I felt love?
Love... love that is crazy,.. wild.. passionate..
That makes you want to cry and laugh at the same time..
that makes you insane with lust.. .. and still.. lets you call the most savage of nights 'making love'...

I told god... hey.. So let me atleast love.. even if I am to lose.. Just to know that I'm real..

I've never been in true love, so I've never felt pain.. the real pain that comes only with deep love.
..
I asked him... am I really alive?.. I am real...
Afterall.. I've never felt enough pain to make me feel alive... never been loved in a way that makes me know I'm real...
..





. it's always been one sided .. Either I loved her, or she loved me.. Never been a real relationship.
Never said 'I love you' and heard it back..
heehhe.. those words used to sound so corny earlier... .. till I said them and heard them back..

.. then.. then.. just hearing those words ... well.. :)

So yeh.. Getting focused now

I love a girl I cannot be with, practically speaking.

I am a very realistic person, and in a way, so is she, eventhough she claims to be idealistic.
We know we can't have a Long-distance long term relationship.. damn... but i love her so much...

so,.. well, there's nothing to do about it..
Can I move to America? Not in the next 3 years.. till I get enough work experience to do my MBA there.
Can she move here? nope.. she's going to get her PhD.. thats another 5 years there.
We haven't even spent any quality time together... 5 days.. thats all we got after we figured out we were in love..

We're upset.. yeh.. But we try not to think about it. The only logical thing to do is to stop all contact once she leaves, .. but I don't know if either one of us is that strong.
Staying in touch will only make it hurt more... but I guess that inevitable.
I really have no way to go to America, unless I abandon my life here... and I'm not going to.. I have a plan, atleast a rough direction.. and I need to stay on it..
and so does she...

This is just so damn painful...

long - distance.. won't work... and we don't want it..

It;s hell..
Falling in love while knowing that you have no future.
Being in love,.. and falling deeper every minute.. and knowing that you will have to break up ..

December 28th..

We're going to Goa, on the 14th of December to the 19th.. Leaving for Kerala on the 19th , will be there till the 26th.
She then kidnaps me to Calcutta, (stoppig over at Chennai and then Hyderabad)
Then... she goes to Bangladesh .. while I leave for Mumbai on the 28th..

life... .. hey.. well.. this is real.
The love, the pain... it's real

I am ALIVe..

It's all too real.