Sooperfishial

Taking some photos of flikr..
It's odd...as i write this Kirsten face is staring at me from the window behind this one..
Taking her off my flickr photo cycle thing..
It's odd.. because I'm about to write about how weird things have been lately.. How detached and spaced out I've been..
It's odd cause even though I'm sure it's nothing to do with her.. some little voice in my head says that it just might.
After all, it's been 2 months since we've 'broken up' as such..
It would only be natural to not feel to great about life after something like that..

But... no.. 've felt this before. Of a different intensity perhaps but similar symptoms nonetheless..

Life's fluttering by like some superstyled movie.. Surreal, fancy neon lights flashing by from a car window..
Fleeting.. everythig is fleeting.
NOthing seems real.. nothing solid.. nothing I can truely touch or taste.
Every experience, even the really good ones are soon forgotten..
I feel lost.. Stuck in the present with no memories and only an unsure future ahead...
I can't remember where I came from and I don't know where I'm going.


The worst of it is I wish I could remember,.,,
I've had a good life, a great life.. I've jumped off planes, walked underwater, visited many countries, read great books... met some really interesting people.. made some good friends, lost some good friends, fallen in love, kicked out of it...
Met a green eyed beauty who made me realise that maybe there was a chance.. a hope that the universe would let me feel like I could be, I would be loved by the woman I adore... even if it was ever so brief.

Kicked out of it... walked out smiling, ruefully I concede, but I did smile.

Ahh Kirsten.. my first 'true' love.. It was sweet to have loved you even if to lose you so soon.

Nothing can replace the sweet agony of losing love.. It's real, that much I can say, makes you feel real..


Nothing's real anymore.. Like it was before. I guess that's that curse of a lonely person. Everything real is in our heads... We're lonely.. we;ve only got us to keep us company.

Living with my worst enemy and only friend...

Too scared to be with other realy people.. too scary,.
I can't deal with new people in an unfamiliar atmosphere..
It's easy to be yourself when you're comfortable,.. But if you're socially anxious like me.. being out of your physical comfort zones makes meeting certain people hard.
If course the true reason is my own pre-judgements of people based on how they look or .. well.. my almost always messed up pre-concieved fucking notions..
I which I could clean my mind and start over again... I wish ... I wish I could have more control..

I hate to sleep..
I love sleeping... but I hate the process of getting there.

Everynight.. everynight since I was quite young... before sleeping ...

I become my worst critic and best friend at once.. screaming, shouting, consoling and encouraging..
Why didn't You just do it... why delay, why run away, why didn't you try.. why did you give up?... WHy did you not succeed again..
Failure upon failure... I've failed myself everyday.. and I'm reminded of it everynight...
And I resolve to fix it everynight,, That tomorrw I would be different.. I would be strong.. driven, would achieve somethign...

Tomorrow's always the same...

My will... I just never lived up to my potential..
funny. because I fear being mediocre..
I fear being exactly what I've become..
what I've always been.
Perhaps it is our fears that hold us down and cover our eyes. Restrict us and suffocate us... and yet hide the truth of our condition to us like a shot of some painkilling drug.
Perhaps we are addicted to our fear... perhaps I am not the only one.