Once in 2 years

I feel like blogging today.

The thing is, I often wondered why I stopped.
Maybe the angst wore off. The teenage aggression, the uncertainty, the self-loathing and the insecurity.

I'd like to believe that was what caused it, but really, I can't convince myself this way.

Also, my writing skills have stepped down a few levels. Fuck... be honest man, they never were that great.. You just read your last blog, you know what I'm saying.

Woa.. there I go again.. Talking to myself.

Feels good though.

So, where am I now.

2009, December. Just about the end.

You've got a girlfriend, who loves you a lot. But you're still unsure about where it's going, if it is. There are reasons why you think it may not work.. uncertainty exists.
But she is nice.. really nice. I think I love her really. And I think I'll love her more with time.
We'll see, we'll see.

Work... and Work.
As usual, you don't seem to be happy with it. What happened man? You wanted to follow your passions... and you did.
Then why are you not happy? Why the constant whining and angst?
This won't do anymore... You're not a kid.

26.. damn.. 26.

Well, atleast you found faith. Good, strong faith.. that will guide you through your life.

Family: well, they love you, you love them. Just... maybe.. it's time to do better, for them. Just do awesome at whatever you do, and they'll be happy.
I need to be able to take care of them. Them and my own family sometime in the future. 26.. wow.. it's getting so real. So serious.

I should've enjoyed my youth more. My younger youth. Been carefree when I could have been.
In many ways I was.. but, I don't seem to remember many relaxed moments.

It's time now. Bold statement.. but it's time.
Relax. Do your Duty, but relax.
and the only way you can do that, is if you're doing everything you feel you should be.
Doing your best, giving your best.

Till then, you won't be happy.
Or perhaps, accept who you are, and go with it. A little about mediocrity isn't so bad. If you accept it the upside is you'll be happy.
And does it really matter if you're mediocre if you're truly happy?

No.. it doesn't. Happiness is what matters.

For now though, for 2010... just.. last ditch attempt at everything.

M's got a list for you.. the one you made over the phone (God, I hope this is one of those lines you read in the future and have fond happy memories of.)
Try to do as many as you can. And work your best at everything.

Embrace the challenges.. Sleep properly. Exercise. You'll be ok.

There are people who love you and believe in you, and you love them.

Keep opening up your heart, let go of anger and ego. Pride is your enemy my brother.

Live on. Love on.

See you in the future

Weirdness

I have a weird thought process.

What do fried rabbits taste like?

Rabbits of fried cats..

No, maybe roasted.

Sooperfishial

Norton Antivirus annoys me..
NO .. I don't want to fucking renew my fucking subscription..
Fuck off you fuck.

Fuckity Fuck fuck fuck..

Orkut annoys me just the same.

No.. I don't want to be your friend.. Fuckit.. I haven't tried to contact you in years... Get the fucking Hint!!


-Sharan

Flicker flicker...

flicker flicker,
here I go again,..
Forgotted who I was..

Who I was,.. who was I again?

who can remember the past..? I don't...
Flickering again..
....

Flicker flicker... unsure.

Where am I this morning... Who's mind is this??
Who's eyes.. oh wait, they're mine,, This is how I see the world today.


This is how I see you-me today.

Wake up... Shh... let go the silence now my son.

..
Who am I ... What am I this morning.
..

Look, the sun shines.. New day...
Haha.. New?.. When was anything old.
nothing can be old if you forgot the morning before.

Who was I yesterday.. why was I him.. Why was I her.. Why was I...here?

Look under the pillow, maybe you'll find a clue..

Clues... the people around me.. Now I know who I'm supposed to be..

How to do I know you ask.. because they tell me... No no..
They show me... with a shake of their head .. Ah, now, thank you.
with a shrug of their shoulders.. with the bewildred looks.. Haha.. don't know who I am..
HAHa.. neither do I..

...

Lost?.. No no.. not lost.

I woke up again... Screaming..? Hahaha.. No .. I should be so lucky, I would have something to scream about. No.. no screaming.

I woke up.

.. And now I don't know.

Who to be now... who should be here.
What's up doc? I don't know... We're all here...we're all lost.. We were never found to be lost fool..

Fool... I am The fool. The eternal puppetmaster pulling my strings.

But the strings, they were cut you silly fool.. Don't flop around like that..

Dead fish.

Sooperfishial

Taking some photos of flikr..
It's odd...as i write this Kirsten face is staring at me from the window behind this one..
Taking her off my flickr photo cycle thing..
It's odd.. because I'm about to write about how weird things have been lately.. How detached and spaced out I've been..
It's odd cause even though I'm sure it's nothing to do with her.. some little voice in my head says that it just might.
After all, it's been 2 months since we've 'broken up' as such..
It would only be natural to not feel to great about life after something like that..

But... no.. 've felt this before. Of a different intensity perhaps but similar symptoms nonetheless..

Life's fluttering by like some superstyled movie.. Surreal, fancy neon lights flashing by from a car window..
Fleeting.. everythig is fleeting.
NOthing seems real.. nothing solid.. nothing I can truely touch or taste.
Every experience, even the really good ones are soon forgotten..
I feel lost.. Stuck in the present with no memories and only an unsure future ahead...
I can't remember where I came from and I don't know where I'm going.


The worst of it is I wish I could remember,.,,
I've had a good life, a great life.. I've jumped off planes, walked underwater, visited many countries, read great books... met some really interesting people.. made some good friends, lost some good friends, fallen in love, kicked out of it...
Met a green eyed beauty who made me realise that maybe there was a chance.. a hope that the universe would let me feel like I could be, I would be loved by the woman I adore... even if it was ever so brief.

Kicked out of it... walked out smiling, ruefully I concede, but I did smile.

Ahh Kirsten.. my first 'true' love.. It was sweet to have loved you even if to lose you so soon.

Nothing can replace the sweet agony of losing love.. It's real, that much I can say, makes you feel real..


Nothing's real anymore.. Like it was before. I guess that's that curse of a lonely person. Everything real is in our heads... We're lonely.. we;ve only got us to keep us company.

Living with my worst enemy and only friend...

Too scared to be with other realy people.. too scary,.
I can't deal with new people in an unfamiliar atmosphere..
It's easy to be yourself when you're comfortable,.. But if you're socially anxious like me.. being out of your physical comfort zones makes meeting certain people hard.
If course the true reason is my own pre-judgements of people based on how they look or .. well.. my almost always messed up pre-concieved fucking notions..
I which I could clean my mind and start over again... I wish ... I wish I could have more control..

I hate to sleep..
I love sleeping... but I hate the process of getting there.

Everynight.. everynight since I was quite young... before sleeping ...

I become my worst critic and best friend at once.. screaming, shouting, consoling and encouraging..
Why didn't You just do it... why delay, why run away, why didn't you try.. why did you give up?... WHy did you not succeed again..
Failure upon failure... I've failed myself everyday.. and I'm reminded of it everynight...
And I resolve to fix it everynight,, That tomorrw I would be different.. I would be strong.. driven, would achieve somethign...

Tomorrow's always the same...

My will... I just never lived up to my potential..
funny. because I fear being mediocre..
I fear being exactly what I've become..
what I've always been.
Perhaps it is our fears that hold us down and cover our eyes. Restrict us and suffocate us... and yet hide the truth of our condition to us like a shot of some painkilling drug.
Perhaps we are addicted to our fear... perhaps I am not the only one.

Fish

I couldn't think of a better title.. live with it

I'm home today, couldn't get myself to work... tired like hell.
I took the weekend off, but ya know, .. if you can't get your mind off work, then you're never really not working..
It's been weeks since i've taken a real break.. Well, let's classify this as an attempt, shall we.
Apparently the damn Korean guy had trouble getting the server back up on time, and the maintenance has been extended to 4!
4!! FUCK!! 8 hour maintenance.. unthinkable!!!! if only it hadn't happened last week too

Well.. being the frontguy for the community means you got to take a lot of insults.. and there's nothing you can do about it.


Now yesterday,. I had an interesting discussion with someone. Astrology,,
I asked a friend who's into Astrology to read the whole charts thing and shit..as a joke I assure you.

Now.. wait.. I know what you're thinking..
Honestly, it was very impressive. I won't say it freaked me out.. I've been open enough in life to realise there's always more to everything than you percieve.

I've always considered our perception to be a very poor indicator of our reality.

So, don't discount things just because you can't see how they work.. the worlds a scarily complex place,.. Everything affects everything else.

This blog you are reading is affecting you... in a subtle way...
With things are delicate as our lives, even the tiniest of things affects our paths.





Well, so yeh.. Astrology,... oooh... occult eh?

Basically .. let me put it simply.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.
A lot of my personality laid bare... my future, present and past..
A lot of very interesting things.
The kind of woman I'd land up with for example.. normally a prediction like that I would scoff at, and yet, it fit the pattern of all the women I've been with so far. And this guy doesn't know anyhting about my past.

That I should be in a different line : This one is odd too. I'm great at my job, and this person knows it ... However, he said I should be in finance..
Odd thing is, before this job, I was trying to get into finance.. Numbers, money.. risk.. it turns me on.. seriously.. I love Finance... it's like an addiction sometimes.. But it's not anything anyone knows about.

There was some more stuff.. disturbingly true.. Well, it should have been disturbing. But the phrase 'disturbingly true' is just expected at a point like this, suitably dramatic I say.

So.. well.. that was an interesting experience.. Specially the other stuff, which I will probably write about later.

In conclusion, it's given me something to think about. Well timed too,.. I needed to hear some of what was said.

I would love to switch the topic and start talking about the complexity of being, life, love and everything..
Buttt... I need to go for a bath.

Will write more later

bye bye

Heartbreak

So... well.. I've been avoiding putting this up on my blog ..

Me and her are 'off'... I guess for good.
Well, she says she needs 2 months... I understand that..
Long distance relationships are tough, specially when you have a lot of other important things that require your attention,..
I'd probably have done the same..

Well.. So.. I'm single again.. I guess... Am I? We're off.. so.. what does that mean..
Should I wait for 2 months.. I could..
Could I..? Actually I don't know.

Well.. it was great.. she is great.. I still love her.. she knows it... she still loves me.. well..
Love doesn't always find a way I guess..

Bye.